Me 'n' AlistairOpening: Jerry: (VO) My name is Jerry O'Malley, and I'd like to tell you about a souvenir I brought back from England.
Some people have an attitude Behind the theme music a scenario plays out, the storyline behind the show's premise. Jimmy is a tourist, taking pictures in England. A plaque at an elegant home says: "Former Home of Alistair Crowley, Once Known as the Wickedest Man in the World". A tour guide leads a group through the house. Jimmy peeks behind a currtain into a closet. Alistair jumps out, going 'boo' and making scary faces. Jimmy jumps, then looks around... no one else sees Alistair. To prove this Alistair jumps in front of the tour group, cavorting and making outrageous faces, but no one sees him except Jimmy. Alistair laughs as Jimmy runs out of the building. Jimmy hops on a plane. We see him flying home, see an American flag as he lands. We see him enter his apartment and step over to a closet to unpack. 'Boo'! Out jumps Alistair. He laughs as Jimmy clutches his heart and falls to the floor. V.O: Me 'n' Alistair is brought to you by: Jingle: Electric Druid - Lysergic energy Scene: Jimmy's apartment. It is cluttered in a post-collegiate manner, with CDs and used furniture. Alistair, wearing (as usual) a monk's habit, is watching television when Jimmy steps through the door, obviously tired after a rough day in the cubicle. Alistair: Jimmy! About damned time you got home. I've been rotting my damned mind with this excruciating pabalum for the entire afternoon. It's unbelievable how awful, how numbing what passes for entertainment is in this modern America, which is apparantly the realm of inebriated children, to judge by its tastes. Horrible, simply horrible. Jimmy: So turn it off. Alistair: In a minute, in a minute. Monique is going to give her two-timing cad husband a piece of her mind. There! You go, girl! Jimmy stomps over and shuts the TV off. Alistair: Hey! Jimmy: You were becoming intoxicated by the pabalum, Alistair. I've seen it happen before. You turn it on for "just a minute" to kill time, and before the week is out you're taping every Montel and Rikki Lake. Alistair: So you think that mind-numbing entertainment can be addictive... Jimmy: Yes. Alistair: Hmm. I think, like many addictive substances, it represents a form of consciousness-alteration. Hmm. Jimmy: I don't like the sound of that 'Hmm'. Alistair: I'm not over-fond of hymns myself, but this thoughtful hmm was left out of the hymnal, for it represents the germination of an idea. Jimmy: So you're working for the German nation again... (laughs wickedly at the impending storm) Alistair: I did not spy for the damned Nazis! That is a reprehensible lie spread by my enemies... oh, I see, you're needling me! Beware, young Jimmy, for my revenge will be sweet and cold, like... get back here! You will listen to me while I describe my revenge! Jimmy: Yeah, yeah, sweet and cold, just like ice cream. Look, Alistair, I gotta get changed, I've got a date. Which I will not be late for, and which I will attend by myself. No chaperoning. Got it? Alistair: You attend most of your dates 'alone'. Jimmy: Ha ha. There's a young lady involved this time, thank you very much. And one whom I'd prefer not to 'freak out'. Alistair: Better keep your pants on, then. (drum snap) What the hell was that? Jimmy: I don't know, Alistair, but whenever there's strange sounds around I usually only have one suspect (looks at Alistair). Alistair: I assure you that I am not the progenitor of this clatter. Alistair holds up a finger, sniffs the air. Another clatter comes from the direction of the bookcase, which is constructed of planks and milk crates. Alistair dashes over, sniffs. He turns toward Jimmy, to Pronounce. Alistair: It is as I suspected! A poltergeist! A book flies up and hits him on the back of the head. Alistair: Ow! Why you little... Jimmy: Watch out for the book. So, poltergeists, I saw that movie. It's like some sort of demon, right? Alistair is poring through the books, looking for the poltergeist. Alistair: It wishes! No, a poltergeist, despite its name, which means "noisy ghost" in German, by the way - Jimmy: You're the expert on German. Alistair: I did not - never mind, you're trying to bait me, and it's quite distracting. A poltergeist, I was saying, is not really a "ghost" but a form of setient energy. Under the right conditions, it can manifest; and it generally manifests by smashing things... (book hits him in head) ow!... or by throwing things about. Jimmy: Well, can't you just "de-manifest" him? Alistair: Ha! Would that it were so easy as that! Dealing with demons and sylphs is merest child's play compared to wrangling poltergeists! For, you see, they are not entities in the way you or I understand the term; hence, they disregard sigils and even circles of protection, as well as just about every other tool of the intermediate occultist. Jimmy: So we're stuck with him? Alistair: Were you not listening? I said they are immune to the tools of any intermediate occultist. Need I remind you that I am a master... ow! Jimmy: He seems to be quite taken with you, oh master. He goes after you like you were candy. Like you were bait. You're the master, and you're bait. One could say... Alistair: Spare me the insipid pun, and go. Go on your insipid date. I will spend my time handling this little crisis. Jimmy: Wow! I almost forgot! I gotta get ready! I'll be late! Alistair: How much time can it possibly take to slather yourself with clearisil and brylcreem and hai karate? Jimmy: (from the bathroom) Dude, I don't even know what those last two are. You will take care of our varmint problem, though? Alistair: When you return there shall be neither hide nor hair of poltergeist to be seen. Jimmy: Good! I'll be back in time for Letterman. Or Conan, if things go well. Alistair: But probably in time for Gilmore Girls, as things generally play out. Jimmy: Remember, neither hide nor hair. You promised! Alistair: Guaranteed. It shall occupy my every second. Jimmy: Good. See ya. Alistair: Ciao! (Jimmy leaves). Ah, Jimmy, poltergeists have neither hide nor hair. (turns on TV) Now, Jerry Springer, illuminate me. We see through the window the passage of time - the sun sets swiftly, night arises. Jimmy stumbles through the door. The room is dark, illuminated only by the flickering of the TV screen. Jimmy: I'm home, Alistair. Alistair? TV announcer: Tonight, on Gilmore Girls, enjoy the antics as Lorilei and Rory have to deal with an actual, real-life teen! Lorilei: Would you like to get some coffee at Luke's, Tawana? Tawana: Coffee my (bleep). (Bleep) coffee. I need some (bleep)damn X. Rory: Proust says that "Ecstacy is the soul of all art". That's what he says. Tawana: Proust? Who the (bleep) is Proust? Eminem says "Rizzle the shizzle." Word up! Announcer: That's "Gilmore Girls", coming up next on the WB! Jimmy: Alistair, where are you? I'm in no mood for your gloating, you know. So come out here and gloat! Announcer: And now, back to "Destination: Hollywood!" Liz Spargly: Word comes from Hollywood that Mel Gibson will follow up his Jesus project with a version of Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar" done entirely in latin. Bif Barnes: Sounds like pretty intellectual stuff, Liz. Liz: Well, Mel is trying to show there's more to him than just a pretty face - though that's certainly enough, right, ladies? Bif: Ha, ha. Liz: Titled "Uliusjay Esarsay", the big-budget film is expected to be, in the dashing Mel's own words, "A colossal 'uckfay ouyay' to audiences everywhere." Bif: What does that mean, Liz? Liz: I don't know, I don't speak Latin. Bif: Me neither, but then I don't speak Scottish either and I loved "Braveheart". Liz: Me too. Bif: And finally, move over Oprah, there's a new kid on the talk-block and he's British! Self-help guru Wilstair Wowley's new syndicated talk show premiers tomorrow across the country. Jimmy: Wilstair Wowley? Jimmy turns to look at the screen. Sure enough, it's Alistair's face on the screen. He's dressed in hip, self help threads. Bif: Producers of "Pure Will!" promise controversy, conflict, and complex issues as well as weight-loss advice and cooking tips, all done with an English flair. Liz: They just announced it to day and it premiers tomorrow? That's pretty quick. Bif: You've got to be fast to stay ahead these days. You should know that, Liz. Liz: Ha ha. Where does that leave a slow learner like you, Bif? Bif: Ha ha, it leaves me one step ahead of you, Liz. Liz: Ha ha, I'd rather have you ahead of me than behind me. Bif: Ha ha, that's not what you said last night. Liz: Ha ha, that wasn't me, that was Chuck the cameraman. Good night everyone! Jimmy: Alistair! Behind him a lamp floats across the room. (fade to commercial) A heavy metal power chord blasts. Then, over a photo of a kick-ass metal band: Song: I got the joy joy joy down in my heart Announcer: Experience the power! K-riced records presents "The Best of Christian Metal". Now you can get off your feet and on your knees to the sound of Saintly Crue, Guns 'n' Bibles, Pat Boone, Rage Against the Secular Humanists, and much much more!
Scroll shows various Xtian rock greats while selections play:
You gotta fight for your right to piety - The Beast-Heave Boys (yes, I need a few more; I'll get to it. For now, we move on:)
(Fade in) Alistair: What are the powers in service of? Audience: Pure Will! Announcer: It's Pure Will Time! Let's all focus, and join Will and his guests in an exploration of truth, metaphysics and the issues that affect us all! Today we'll be visited by the Egyptian Deity Ka-man-tathep, actor Kevin Bacon, our very own Chef Pedro with a new recipe, and special musical guests Nick Lachay and Jessica Simpson! Alistair: Wow. What a great show. Wow. I can't wait to get started. (continued soon) |
