RingringHello?
That's how you answer the phone? Even though you must have known it was me on the other end by the regality of the ringing? Just "hello", no sycophancy, no grovelling, no sense of awe in your tone of voice? I am disappointed, Rakshasa, so, so disappointed.
Ayesha? Squeal! I can't believe it's you! You're, you're... as insufferable as ever! Are you in town?
Yes, I just moved back two weeks ago, can you believe it?
Ywo weeks and you're just calling me now? I'm mortified, no lie!
Two weeks to get up the nerve, I'm afraid. It's been such a long time. But how have you been?
Oh, wonderful! String of jobs, string of guys, keep trying 'em on but nothing fits. You know the scene. The Scions of Mordor was the longest relationship I ever had in my life.
Yes, the Scions. How is everybody?
Still the same, can you believe it? Everyone still lives around here, except for Justin, of course. Shadowmolder's done really well for himself, got some sort of consulting business.
He always was a smart bastard.
Tell me about it! Thor and Elfette got married, of course. I was in the wedding party-
I didn't get an invite.
Well, that's no surprise, really. Elfette really felt sort of protective of Justin, you know how she is, she blames you-
She blames ME because Hobbitboy is a freaking psychopath! Can you believe that- No, I'm not going to get into it. The past is past.
Ha, 'The past is prologue'. That's Shakespeare, am I right?
Ask me if I care. I can't believe that Gwen can hold a grudge this long. Elfette! She can't hold a THOUGHT this long!
Relax, Ayesha, you never have to see the Herselfette again if you don't want to. Let it die, like a grape on the vine.
But that's the point entirely. I was kind of thinking that it might be cool to get the Scions back together, maybe start playing again, one game at least.
Karen! You weren't!
Don't you think it would be fun? Those were some great times!
Hell, yes! Let's do it! That would be great!
You think evreyone will go for it?
Shadowmolder? Of course. Thor'll want to, maybe he can talk Gwen into it, if she isn't feeling too Selfettish. You weren't thinking of...?
No! Justin's out. Last I knew he was on the west coast, working in computers. Good riddance! Let him terrorize some other poor woman who makes the mistake of being nice to him. I was thinking we could replace him with one of the part-timers, maybe Once-Born Ralph.
Sure! I always liked him. He's been working construction, but I think his number's still the same.
How about everybody else? How do I get in touch with them? I took a chance that your number was the same.
A big chance, knowing how unrootable I am! But I've lived here the past six years. My cat likes the place, and she'd never let me move. You remember Torky, don't you? She's gotten very fat. Oh! Stevie's number is still the same. He's got a car-phone now, can you believe it? And a vanity plate that says "SHADOW". Better than "MOLDER", I guess. Bill and Gwen bought a house, but the number is Bill's old number.
Great! When are you free? I want to set this up as soon as possible. I've really missed you guys!
Any night, just about. And if I've got plans, what the hell, I'll cancel them. Nothing stands in the way of Rakshasa O'Toole, queen of the spaceways!
Excellent. Let me call the others and get back to you, and we can catch up then. Sound good?
Priceless. Catch you in a few.
If I can get Stevie off the phone ever. Maybe you better give me an hour.
Just so I'm off the phone in time for "Seinfeld".
It shall be done. Later.
Later.Click!drrrrrrr
RingringclickYou have reached Shadowmolder Enterprises. Steve isn't here right now, although this is indeed his voice. His physical body may be at his office, 555-7168, or perhaps in his automobile, 555-7954. Or maybe he went to the movies. Or bowling. If you will be so kind as to leave a message, there is a dim chance the Shadowmolder himself will return your call, after laughing at the way your voice sounds on tape. Begin. Beep.
Oh damn, I hate answering machines. Shadow, this is Ayesha. That's right, I'm back in town. I was wondering what you would think about reuniting the Scions of Mordor for a game or two. I just talked to Rakshasa and she's seriously into it. She thought you would be too. Call me at 555-6142. Click.
RingringclickShadowmolder Mobile Command Station.
I can't believe you have a carphone. I thought you were a neo-luddite.
Ayesha? Is that you?
It is me entirely.
Sonofanelf! This is a bolt of the blue, it truly is! If I wasn't sitting down, I'd be knocked on my ass from the shock! We thought you'd left us forever, off to the Grey Havens or the Isle of Apples, whatever.
As you might have expected I had to return to the Land of the Mountain Mists to renew my youth in the Eternal Flame. Yet once again I have descended into the world of the heathens. They don't get the Sci Fi Channel in Mistland!
Hahha. Have you then returned to walk these Green Hills of Earth on a permanent basis, or are you just visiting?
No, I'm back for good, or for a while, at least. I've rented a house on Woodbine.
Back to the old neighborhood, huh? At least you'll know your way around. Hey! Whadddaya say we get the old gang together again! Wouldn't that be hellacious! C'mon, let's do it!
As always, oh Dungeonmaster, I am one step ahead of you. I just got off the phone with Rakshasa. She is majorly into it.
Too cool! Oh, I am so psyched! I'd better pull the car over and catch my breath! Naah.
Shasa says Gwen might -
Gwen? I don't know any Gwen.
Ahhh! You haven't changed a bit!
I've changed, but the rules haven't. True names only.
Alright, alright. Rakshasa says that Elfette may have it in for me, that she might not want to run with the program.
Elfette will join. No question about it. She lives for the attention. After an acceptable amount of persuading, she'll be the first at the door, dice in hand, probably wearing that horrendous Elfgown. Want me to call her?
No, I should be the one. Unfortunately.
Who were you thinking about for Frodo's chair? Irwin the Corpse?
Eggh! No, Once-Born Ralph would be my first choice. Shasa seems to think he'd want to do it.
Sure! He's safe as toast. 'Though we could always get Frodo.
Funny. Besides, he's out on the west coast.
Really? Torin told me he saw the hairy-toed one at a 7-11 last week.
NO! Don't even joke!
Well, what does Torin know, anyway. He collects Slurpee cups, can you believe?
Is he sure it was Justin?
He was pretty sure it was Frodo, yes. They were friendly at one point, remember. Said he'd lost weight. And that his eyes seemed lit up from behind.
God! It is him.
Well, he's probably just visiting family. No reason he'd know that you were here. Although-
What?
Quite a coincidence that you and he should show up in town at the same time.
What do you mean?
He could be following you. You don't think he's still obsessed, do you? After all these years?
Of course he is! He is just that loopy. Trust me on that. But how could he know?
Computers would be my guess. That's his specialty, after all. Could be he's been keeping tabs on you all these years.
No! That's impossible.
Well, it is possible. But how likely? Not very, I'd say. This whole thing is probably just a coincidence. Put it from your mind. Why don't you give Ms. Elfette a call and try to set things up? You can call me back. I'm making a service call, but I should be on the road for another half hour or so.
Alright, I'll do that. Then we can catch up on each other's lives. Sounds like you've been living large!
As befits a Shadowmolder. Merry part!
Merry part. Clickdrrr.
RingringHello?
Greetings. I have been sent by the mighty Shadowmolder on a quest to find Thor and Elfette. Be ye the latter?
Who is this?
It's Ayesha, Gwen. Remember me?
Well. It's... surprising to hear from you, Karen.
Look, I know we weren't on very good terms when I left town...
You could say that.
But, let's put the past behind us, OK? I mean, there was never any reason for bad blood between us, alright?
I don't know where you get off saying that, after what you did to Justin.
After what I did to Justin? How can you even say that!
You knew he was harmless. You didn't have to...
Harmless!! That little psycho broke into my house! He left notes inside my locked car! He'd be out in my yard at four in the morning!
He never did you any harm! He thought he was being romantic. Justin never had any girlfriends before you. He didn't know how to behave.
I wasn't his goddamn girlfriend! You know what they call that kind of... behavior? They call it stalking, that's what they call it! The little freak was stalking me, and you're defending him?
Justin wasn't like that, and you know it. You had no call to have him arrested. It shattered him.
He violated the restraining order. I had no choice. He never would have left me alone otherwise. And I can't believe I'm actually taking the time to defend myself to you!
Well. If that's how you feel, why are you calling me? Taking up my time, I should mention.
Honestly, at this point I don't know. I thought we could patch things up. I thought it might be fun to get the gang back together. This isn't any goddam fun! If you had any idea of the... HELL that little bastard put me through you'd be crawling on your hands and knees to lick broken glass for my forgiveness. But you...
clickdrrrrrr
Well. That went well.
RingringHello, hello, whattddya know?
It's Ayesha, Shadow. I blew it.
Well, bite my nose and call me Gollum. What a shocking surprise! Took all of what? Three minutes?
She just has this attitude. Still! You'd think she would have changed after all these years. You'd think marriage would have mellowed her.
Maybe you'd think that but I wouldn't. Remember who she's married to.
Maybe I should have talked to Thor first.
Maybe you should have talked to Rakshasa's cat! He has as much influence as Thor. No, I'm gonna have to talk to her. Relax. The deal's as good as done.
You think?
Sure! No problem. When The Shadowmolder wants people to move, they move. I'm the wielder of wind and the shaper of worlds, remember.
Well, wield away, Windy! It's going to take some shaking to loose the shadows from the Elfette's miniscule mind, no lie.
Nah. I'll have this wrapped up in ten minutes, tops.
Call me right when you're finished. I'm going to call Rakshasa back, but I have call waiting.
Call Once-born Ralph, too. Let's get this caravan a-rollin', troops!
Aye, aye, skipper.
Shadowmolder out. Clickdrrrrrr
Ringringhello?
Still don't recognize my ring, do you, Rakshasa. How sad.
Well, Ayesha! How goes the reunionizing?
There are... problems.
Elfette?
Mm-hmmm.
Big shock. She set you off, or vice versa?
She set me off. In hindsight I suppose I should have kept my temper on low heat. Shadowmolder's talking to her right now.
Ahh, Stevie'll straighten her out in no time. He's a politician if ever there was.
God save us all if he goes into politics! "Mr. Speaker, the gentleman from Illinois has been devoured by Elfworms, and there's a phase two vortex shift approaching the floor at this very minute. If you act fast..."
Heeheehee, Stevie couldn't be a congressman, with him it'd be President or nothing.
President O'Ryan. President Shadowmolder O'Ryan. Nope. I can't see it.
Just suggest it to Stevie. He'll make you see it, right down to how he'd re-decorate the Oval Office.
Sci-fi knickknacks and posters of Nietzche.
Posters of himself!
Hahaha. No, Shadowmolder will never run for president. If they held elections for "King", however...
Ha! There y'go. 'Course, he'd see "King" as just an interim position until he takes over as "God".
If it wouldn't be beneath him...
Huh! His ears must be a-burnin' now...
Yeah. Weren't we supposed to be bitching about the Elfette?
Too easy.
But sooo satisfying.
So where does that leave us now?
Well, after updating you, which I am doing now, I'm to call Once-born Ralph, see if I can get him on board for this thing, all the while awaiting the callback from the mighty Shadowmolder. Funny how quickly this went from being an 'Ayesha' project to being a 'Shadowmolder' project.
And I bet if you went over every second of every conversation you couldn't pinpoint the exact minute when you ceased to be in control. It's amazing how he does that. A gift.
The exact moment I lost control of the project was the moment he said "Hello". But that's why he's the dungeonmaster. (Beep Beep) Hey! Can I put you on hold a minute? I've got another call. Could be the Shadow.
Sure.
(Click) Hello?
Hello?
Hello, who is this?
(Click) Boy, this is beginning to piss me off.
What do you mean?
Oh, I've been getting crank calls for the past few days. Phone rings, nobody on the other end. It's really, and I know I said this before, it's really pissing me off.
Probabaly just kids.
I just want to know how the hell they got my number. I'm unlisted.
Random dialing, saw it on your checks, who knows. Don't let it get to you. I get 'em myself every now and then. Just hang up. Sooner or later they get bored and stop.
It's just creepy, that's all... Shadowmolder says Justin's back in town.
No!
Supposedly Torin saw him down at the Kwiky-mart. Could have been a mistake, Torin's not the brightest bulb in the hardware aisle, but still...
Come on, how would he get your number?
He could have hacked it. You know he could have.
Well, I suppose. But how likely is that? Still obsessive, after all these years?
You don't know too much about people, do you, Rakshasa O'Toole. Once an obsessive, always an obsessive. And if he hasn't come across some new unfortunate dream girl, then he's been nursing this mania for the entire time I've been gone, letting it grow like a...
Vast beautiful rose?
Like the Blob! Like some horribly globby outer-space creature! I'm at the mercy of his slimy violet flesh-devouring passion!
Ick!
Look, I'm making light of this, but it's serious, this has the potential to become a major problem. One reasion stalkers get away with what they do is that the people that know them say, "Oh, you're exaggerating. He's not like that."
Whoa! Did I say that?
You thunk it.
No, if you will recall, oh Ayesha of the magic memory, I said 'Maybe it's not him. Maybe it's some stupid kids.' That's still the most likely scenario in my book.
Well, I hope you're right. Kids or not, it still pisses me off. (Beep beep) Whoops, another call. Can you wait?
Call me back. I'm going to make a snack.
Ok. (Click) Hello?
I say this so many times that it becomes tiresome, but, thanks to me, once again, the problem is solved.
You're kidding! Just like that?
Just like that. Shadowmolder at work. Hard hats required in this area. No smoking. Employees will wash their hands before returning to stations. Se habla espanol.
Whatd'ya do, whap Her Loveliness over the head with a rolled-up newspaper, preferrably the Sunday Times?
Only in a metaphorical sense. The Elfette may seem churlish at times, but like all mankind she is helpless in the face of an assault by ruthless Shadowmolder logic.
Oh, get a grip. You talked her into it, just say that. 'Ruthless logic', give me a break. Whatever, Mr. Spock.
Okay, what I did was I made her see that she derived more value from ceasing the self-righteous smugness and going along with the reunion than she would from retaining what seems to her to be the 'moral high ground' and sitting home watching Dr. Quinn with Thor. I made it an economic issue, sure to appeal to her greedy little self-centered soul.
Clever.
Of course. Now, I'm tossing the ball back to you. Call her and figure out a date.
Do I have to?
Do what you want, you're a human being, imbued with free will in a world of infinite choices. Hahaha, I can't believe I said that, 'free will', hahahaha.
I'll show you free will! (Clickdrrrr)
Ringringhello?
I knew you were going to do that. Clickdrrrr)
Shadowmolder, you are such a bastard.
Ringringhello?
Hi, Gwen, Steve says we should try this all over again.
Yes, Karen, we really should. I'm sorry, I got things off on the wrong foot. Whatever's in the past should stay there. It shouldn't affect how we react to each other now. I was out of line bringing it up.
Yes, well, let's just let it lie. I can if you can.
I can if you can.
Then we'll do it. So, when's good for you?
How about Saturday?
Great! Let me just check in with the others. I still haven't called Once-Born Ralph.
Oh, he'll do it. He doesn't have much of a life. He does have the world's most extensive collection of Moody Blues bootlegs, however.
How sad.
Oooh! Sometimes I forget how evil you can be, Ayesha! This is gonna be fun! When we get you and Rakshasa together, meeow! Rarrr ffftt!
Oh, we've mellowed with age.
Really? I wonder what you were saying about me after we hung up the last time.
Nothing fatal, dearie. And nothing we wouldn't say to your face.
Hold on, Thor wants to say hi!
O-kay...
Hi! I just wanted to say this is too, too cool! I mean, the gang, together again! Wow! Too cool!
Yes, I...
Everybody together again, catching up on old times - this'll be like the Big Chill! Only no one's dead!
Hopefully...
Hey! There was a Kenneth Branagh Big Chill movie, did you see it? His pal had AIDS and he got all drunk - Hey! Did you see Frankenstein! Wow! That was so cool. He had this coat in there that I'd kill for. Remember? It was long brown leather, maybe suede... probably cost a fortune - kinda like the one Kurt Russell wore in Tombstone... I loved Stargate! Can't wait to see Escape From LA. I went as Snake to Halloween the year before last. Everyone thought I was a pirate... no! Wait a minute. People kept coming up to me saying "I heard you were dead," like in the movie, it was soo cool!
Thor! Decaffeinate!
Oh, man, I'm babbling. This is just sooo cool!
Look, we can get caught up on Saturday.
Saturday?
Don't worry, you can record 'Dr. Quinn'.
Mr. Rogers was on a couple of months ago.
That's very special, Thor. Meowmeow bye meow.
What?
You know, Henrietta meow meow pussycat. The puppet? On Mr. Rogers?
Oh yeah! I thought you were making fun of me, 'cause, you know, you guys always make out I'm scared of cats. I'm not! They just don't like me!
'Bye Thor. See you Saturday.
Bye! (Clickdrrrr)
Ringringhello?
The moon hangs low in the highlands. Do you know what that means, Once-Born Ralph?
Oh, no, this can't be. Ayesha?
Yes it is, Ralph, it's me. And the signal is in the sky. The Scions shall reform ere the sun has risen on a fortnight.
What?
We're getting everybody together on Saturday.
What? Great! Everybody?
Well, almost everybody. Can you do it?
Sure! That'll be great! Who's going to be there?
Well, the whole Inner Circle, plus you, minus Frodo.
No Frodo? I heard he was in town.
No Frodo! God! Don't you remember that whole situation?
I heard you and him were going out, and you split up, no biggie. 'Course, no one tells me anything, 'cause I'm not in the Inner Circle.
I don't want to get into it. He turned psycho, that's what happened. And we weren't 'going out'.
Psycho? Wow. Did he try to kill you or something?
It didn't get to that. And I don't want to talk about it.
He always kind of gave me the creeps. One of those 'seriously needs a life' obsessive little twistoids. One of those 'cleaning out my shotgun for Satan' types.
Yeah, the type that would like, say, a rock group, and then have to buy EVERY SINGLE THING THAT THEY EVER TOUCHED IN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES!
Yeah, just like - hey! What are you trying to say?
I'm not trying to say anything. Why are you getting so defensive?
I'm not getting defensive, I just happen to like the Moody Blues. I'm a collector. It's a hobby.
Okay, okay, calm down. I wouldn't want you to freak out 'cause I insulted the Moody Blues. I see you walking down the street waving a knife, 'I'm just a singer -heeheehee- in a rocknroll band -heheheee'...
Oh, stop. Leave me alone.
'Anybody wanna ride my seesaw eh-eh-eh?'
Look, point taken. And it just so happens that many sane well adjusted people use hobbies as an outlet, as a source of pride, a way to ease the stresses of everyday society... Hold on, there's someone at the door. You said Saturday.
Yeah. Let's say about seven, my house, 47 Garibaldi Street.
Garibaldi Street, got it. Give me a call if anything changes.
Will do. See you there!
Bye.
Bye. Clickdrrrr.
Ringring anh anh anh anh anh anh clickdrrrr
Ringring
Well, Rakshasa, we are GO! Saturday night. Seven o'clock. My place.
Would that be AM or PM?
What do you think?
Just kidding. Stevie straighten out the Elfette?
Just like that. And I even talked to Thor. God! He hasn't changed at all!
Amazing, isn't it? If anything he's gotten goofier. So, when's this going to happen?
Saturday, if you can do it.
Saturday night, I can. I'm working until seven.
Whoops! I told Ralph it was at seven. Can you make it by eight?
Of course.
Then we'll do it at eight.
Groovy!
Don't ever use that word again. I'll call Ralph and the bunch and re-arrange things. I'll let you know if anything changes.
Let it ring. I'm going to take a shower.
Will do. Watch out for psychos!
Hey, you dated Norman Bates, I didn't.
Oooh! I'll get you for that one. Bye!
Bye! Clickdrrrrrr
Okay, Ralph, you're up again.
Ringring Ringring Ringring Ringring Ringring Ringring
Hmmm.
Ringringhello?
Hey Shadow. Well, I got in touch with the Once-Born. He's into it!
Naturally.
So we're looking at Saturday at eight. How's that for you?
Totally cool. Now, as to logistics. What do you need me to bring?
Well, we'll need dice, charts and graphs and all that... refreshments... (beep beep) Can you hold on? I've got another call.
Oh sure, another call. Not like I'm important or anything.
(click) Hello?
Hello?
Goddamn it, who IS this!? (Clickdrrrr)
(Click) Sorry, Shadow. Crank call. I've been getting a lot of 'em.
Any idea who it is?
'Shasa thinks it might be Frodo. Canm you believe that?
Not likely. Still... too bad you don't have Caller ID. Then you'd have the number right in front of you.
Yeah, too bad. If this keeps up I might subscribe. But Frodo'd just find a way to block it.
Hey! You know what you can do? Hit Star 69.
What?
The star key, then six, then nine. It automatically dials the number of the last person to call you.
What good does that do?
Well, maybe you can freak them out. Say "I know who you are" or "This is Satan. Serve me." And if it is Frodo, you'll know his voice when he picks up.
Won't he have thought of that?
Nah. Frodo's pretty smart, but he never thinks things through. He was always getting hung up in the Dead Swamps. Always!
Well, I'll try it. Of course, now that I'm ready, he'll never call.
Now, now. Think positive! I think he will call. And then you'll get him!
Yeah, sure, right. Just bring some chips and soda on Saturday. We can always send for pizza.
Soda it is. Diet for the Elfette, decaf for Thor, the hard stuff for the rest of us. See you Saturday!
Bye. (Clickdrrrr)
Ringringhello?
Hi, Thor, it's Ayesha.
Hello?
Thor, you're holding the phone upside down. Thor! The phone is upside down!
Hello?
Oh, what's the use, you can't hear me anyway. THOR!
Hey, I had the phone upside down. Can you believe it? It's 'cause I'm watching TV, and I always hang my head over the side of the couch when I'm watching, so I don't look at the phone. Who's there?
It's Ayesha, Thor.
Heyyy, Ayesha! Didn't you call earlier?
Yes, I did. Just updating you guys. We're getting together at eight on Saturday. That's eight PM, Thor. 'Dr. Quinn' O'clock.
Funny. Just for that I'm gonna bring some of my new CDs. I got some great stuff! You guys are gonna love it! All this excellent alternative rock! I've got Blunt, I've got Wank, I've got Skipping Slowly, Testicular Torsion is pretty cool...
Actually, I thought we could listen to some of my stuff... I've got some great jazz...
Barrrffff! Grow some taste buds, girl! I know! I've got some great soundtracks! Sword and Sorcery! I've got the Xena soundtrack, only available as a Japanese import. It's great!
Sounds great, Thor. Can I speak to Gwen?
I've got Deathstalker V!
Put Gwen on, Thor.
Oh, alright.
Ayesha?
Hi, Gwen. Okay, I got in touch with everyone else and it looks like we're on for Saturday at eight, if that's cool for you guys.
That seems a little late to start... we could wind up being up all night.
Yeah, just like we used to all the time. That's the idea.
Well, couldn't we start earlier?
No, Rakshasa can't get here before eight, she has to work.
Couldn't she take the day off? We could start in the afternoon...
I am not going to ask Rakshasa to take a day off from work so that you can get to bed earlier! God! Don't you realize how selfish that sounds?
I'm just not used to staying up that late anymore.
So we'll pump you full of coffee! C'mon! All-night sessions are part of the fun! Maybe we can all go out for breakfast after I'm done kicking your ass halfway to Mordor.
Oh, alright, if it absolutely must be just like the old days. I mean, we're all different people now, we live different lives...
Actually, from talking to all of you I'm almost shocked at the extent to which you've all stayed the same. I suppose you probably think the same about me...
Oh, yes.
And what is THAT supposed to mean?
Oh, nothing, hee hee.
Oh, I hope I have the pleasure of seeing you devoured by orcs, I really do.
And may you find yourself beseiged by goblins without a spell to spare.
You'll get your chance on Saturday, elf princess.
See you then, undying one.
Bye. Smurfette.
Oooh! I told you not to call- (clickdrrrr)
Heeheehee, that was actually kind of fun. Let's try Ralph again, then we're finished.
Ringring Ringring Ringring ringring ringring ringring
Hmmm. Must have stepped out.
Riiiinnngg!
Who the hell-?
Riiiinnngg!
Hello?
Hello?
Dammit! (clickdrrrr)
Star 69. This'll fix your ass!
Ringring ringring ringring-
C'mon, pick up, you little pustule!
ringring ringring ringringhello?
RAKSHASA?
Ayesha? What's the matter? I was in the shower.
Rakshasa, I just got one of those calls - and it came from your phone!
Why would you think that?
I used Star 69 - and it dialed you!
No, that's impossible. You must have messed something up.
No way. What could I have messed up? No way!
I don't know. Hey... the phone isn't in the same place I left it...
RAKSHASA! He's in your house! GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE NOW!
kkchhkkk...
Rakshasa? RAKSHASA!
RAKSHASA?! Jesus Christ! (Clickdrrrr)
Ringringhello?
Shadow! Justin's lost his mind! I THINK HE JUST KILLED SHASA!
What!?
She was talking to me and I thought there was someone in the house and then she stopped talking and there was this horrible wet choking sound...
I'm turning around. I'll be back in town within the hour. Call the cops. Do it now. You can call me back.
Thanks, Shadow.
Call them! Don't wait! (Clickdrrrrr)
Ringringhello, Emergency Dispatch.
I- I think my friend is being killed... I was talking to her, and I think there was somebody in the house, and she didn't know it. And I think he killed her! Oh God!
Alright, I'll need an address.
Seven... Seventy seven Blaisewell...
Seven seven seven Blaisewell?
No! Seventy-seven! I'm sorry... I'm having trouble...
Calm down, please. I'll send a car right out. Can you stay on the line?
Yes, sure... I guess...(click)
(Soft and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking)(click) Ma'am, are you still here?
Yes, yes.
Alright. I'll need your name and address, then I'll let you go.
Is someone going to help Rakshasa?
We have a car in the area. Should be at the house in moments. I just need your name and address, please.
Karen Cooper, 47 Garibaldi Street.
Thank you. We'll be in touch shortly.
Thank y- (clickdrrrrr)
Ringhello?
Shadow, they're on their way. Oh, God, I'm so... I'm terrified! Rakshasa's dead, she's dead, she's dead!
We don't know that, Ayesha. We don't know that at all. Think back. Just what did you hear, exactly?
I heard her dying, Shadow! I heard her choking out her final breath, goddamn it! That sound is ... living.. inside my head... God! You can't imagine!
Easy, Ayesha. Why would Frodo kill Rakshasa, after all? She wasn't his obsession.
I don't know! 'Cause he's a freaking nut, a maniac... maybe he knew I'd been talking to her, maybe he's got my phone tapped, is that possible?
Well, yes, there's a way to do that from a distance, a type of 'phone phreaking', the hackers call it. What, you think he's going to come after all of us?
I don't know what to think- Oh no! Ralph! He said there was someone at the door... and there was no answer when I called him back!
You don't think -?
I'll call you back! (clickdrrrrr)
C'mon Ralph, be home!
Ringring Ringring Ringring Ringring Ringring Ringring
Damn!
Ringringhello, Emergency dispatch.
Hello, this is Karen Cooper, I called a few minutes ago. I think another of my friends might be in trouble.
Ms. Cooper! Can you hold? I'm going to connect you with Detective Henderson.
Yes... but... (click)
(click) Ms. Cooper? This is Detective Henderson. I'm about to head out the door, but first I need to know anything you can tell me about Miss Bleveik's murder, anything at all.
Murder? Then she really is dead?
Um, well, I can't really comment on that pending notification...
Obviously she's freaking dead! Spare me the tap-dance!
We need to know what you know and...
Stop right there. I believe that the killer's name is Justin McHenry. He was living on the west coast, but I think he's back in the area. I think there's a strong possibility that he intends to kill my friends one by one, ending with me.
No offense, but why would you think that the killer is targeting you, Ms. Cooper? I mean,...
He called me from her freaking house right before he killed her!
Jesus!
He's after me. I know him. I'm not some paranoid crank. There's a good chance he's already killed another person, Ralph Stanislaus, 1413 Surrey, Apt. 72. Check it out!
We'll get someone right on it. And we'll have a squad car at your house within the hour. Is there anyone else he might go after?
Bill and Gwen Marino, um, 27 Broadmoor Ave. Also Shad- er, Steven O'Ryan, but he's alright for now, he's not home.
All right. If you hear from him, tell him to come right down to headquarters, not to waste any time at all. This Justin character is dangerous. And don't you take any chances either. Lock your door, wait until you can see the police car from your window before you open the door.
I will, believe me.
Please. Take this seriously. I - Look, I'm going to tell you something, but you've got to keep it to yourself. Can you promise me that?
Yeah, of course, but...
I think your pal Justin might be the Spring Valley Ripper.
What!?
The officer on the scene described... peculiarities about the crime scene consistent with the Ripper's M.O. And I'm deliberately telling you this to scare you. Don't take any damn chances! And tell your friends! We'll get there as soon as we can. Stay safe!
My god! This is unbelievable...
I have to get to the scene, Ms. Cooper. Before I leave I'll personally make sure that one of our best men is sent to protect you. Good-bye, Ms. Cooper. Take care. (clickdrrr)
Jesus Christ.
Ringringhello?
Shadow, I just talked to the cops. Don't head back here. Drive straight to the nearest precinct house and stay there.
What!?
They think Justin's the Spring Valley Ripper.
Oh, Come On! Justin? Give me a break!
Rakshasa's dead, Shadow. They confirmed it. And I think Ralph is, too. They're checking it out. The detective told me that there were certain details about the crime scene that indicated the Ripper.
But there hasn't been a Ripper murder in... five years...! Good god, that's just unbelievable. It's like we just stepped into a nightmare...
I know, I know. One minute I'm planning a party, the next minute people are dead...
Keep it together, Ayesha. Survive now, grieve later. Look, I'm going to head straight over to your place. Are they sending someone over?
Yes. Their 'best'.
So, I'll be just as safe there as I would at the station house.
One hopes.
We'll keep each other alive while they look for Frodo. They'll catch him, Ayesha, they will. He's smart, but he doesn't think ahead.
I hope you're right. This is a nightmare! Look, I've got to warn Gwen and Thor...
Gwen? I don't know any "Gwen".
Don't be an oaf, Shadow! Elfette, ok? You're such a jerk!
But I can always make you laugh.
Yes, you can. Thanks.
Call Thor.
I'm on it. (clickdrrr)
Ringringhello?
Thor, it's Karen. Rakshasa's dead.
What?
I think Justin killed her, and he might be on his way over to your place. Don't answer the door for anyone. The cops are on the way over to protect you.
Okay, it's not gonna work. You guys! This is Shadowmolder's idea, isn't it. 'Let's get Thor all paranoid and scare the piss out of him.' Not gonna work. Funny idea, though.
Thor! I'm serious! They think Justin might be the Spring Valley Ripper!
See, now I know you're joking. Justin the Ripper. Frodo the Slayer. Pretty funny.
THOR! Put Gwen on!
Oh, look. There's someone at the door. I hope it's not the Spring Valley Ripper! Gwen! Don't get that! Ayesha says it's the Spring Valley Ripper!
Thor...
She doesn't believe you either, Karen. You guys should just grow up.
THOR! I'M NOT KIDDING! DON"T LET GWEN GET THE DOOR!
Jeez! You hurt my ear!
Thor, please...
Now there's a guy in the doorway wearing an executioner's mask. Cute! Is that Shadowmolder? Hey! Shadow! I'm not buying it!
Oh, God...
Haha, omigod, this is great! He's carrying Gwen's head by the hair! You all cooked this up among yourselves. You guys are great.
Thor...
Hey! Put that down. Look! You're getting fake blood all over the place. That's better. Hey! Jesus Christ! Ahhh! Akakakak... (clickdrrrr)
Oh no. Oh no. Oh nonononono...
Ringring Ringring RingringHello?
Heh heh heh heh heh
Oh, you bastard... we're going to get you, do you hear me! (click)
Ringring Emergency Dispatch.
It's Karen Cooper! Get someone to 27 Broadmoor!
We have a car on the way...
Tell them to floor it! Lights and sirens! The killer's there! He's still there!
All right, Ms. Cooper, I'm going to route every available car there.
Do it! Hurry! (Clickdrrr)
Ringringringringhello?
Oh, god, Shadow, he killed Thor.
No. No! The Elfette too?
He cut off her head. He cut off her head!
You heard this?
Thor thought it was a joke. He thought we were trying to trick him. Stupid, stupid Thor.
Thor's house isn't that far from yours, is it?
No! Only a few minutes!
Good god! Are the cops there yet?
No...
Is there anywhere in the house you can barricade...
There's a car coming up the road!
Is it him?
I don't know! Where are those cops?
Is there anything in the house you can use for a weapon?
I don't know! I'm a pacifist, dammit!
Better find the warrior within, quick!
I hear a siren...
Good!
That car's pulling up... it's him! It's Justin!
Don't waste time! Hide!
No! The cops are coming! I can see the lights!
Don't be a fool!
He's getting out of the car! But here are the cops... Wow! Just like TV! They're yelling at him, he's turning around... there's something in his hand... My God! They shot him!
No!
He's on the ground, he's not moving... there's blood on his chest... I think he's dead!
Dead? Are you sure?
My god, all that blood! He can't be alive. Oh! It's horrible, horrible!
Excellent.
WHAT?
Well, my dear, I wish I had more time to explain things. Poor Frodo! Never thought things through. Of course, he'd have no reason to expect that the call from me, telling him that you wanted to reconcile, if he could meet you at your house say... two minutes ago... was the perfect set-up. Frightened cops, believing him to be the Spring Valley Ripper, were guaranteed to blow him away. So sad! No one even read him his rights.
What are you talking about? This isn't any goddamn joke!
Well, in a sense it is, a joke on you, and on poor Frodo, of course. You see, Frodo isn't the Ripper, I am. Get it?
The Ripper!? Are you insane!?
Well, I suppose I must be, from society's perspective, though from my point of view I would say I'm quite sane... quite a ways beyond sane, in fact. Ultrasane.
I'm calling the police.
Well, I have a feeling they'll be busy with poor Frodo's corpse for a while yet, so bear with me for a moment, will you?
Why?
Well, I'm a chatty supervillain, just like in the movies. Just driven by my madman demons to spill my guts. Before I spill yours, of course. But I get ahead of myself. Yes, the Scions of Mordor will, I'm afraid, serve as the final act in the saga of the Spring Valley Ripper. After all, he's dead now, shot by the police. The fact that he was unarmed except for a box of chocolate or some such romantic bit of scrimshaw is irrelevant. After all, he had just left the home of his estranged girlfriend, whom he had quickly but efficiently reduced to hamburger, conveniently leaving all murder weapons and related evidence behind in her room. He did, you know. It's all in a bag in my right hand.
God! If you could only hear yourself!
I shall, of course, rise like Lazarus to kill again, under a newer, fresher serial killer moniker, with all new cut-up quirks to brand a certain butchery as my handiwork, and an all-new patsy to take the fall. No, Karen, Ayesha, "she-who-must-be-obeyed," or should I say, "flayed"?, Justin was never the psycho you believed him to be, though lord knows he was never the most stable of hobbits! I orchestrated his "stalking" campaign, and your attending freak-out, with subtle hints, misdirection, and the occasional planted evidence. Remember what a sympathetic ear I was! And all the while I was killing, killing, killing as the "Spring Valley Ripper", just waiting for the right moment to spring my trap, wrap up that persona with a climax of multiple homicide then move on, leaving poor Frodo to take the blame. For I do love role-playing-games! Love to live them, love to control them. I always have, and such joy when I discovered I could play them out on the hard streets of reality! But Frodo fled town, followed by you, and all my work went down the drain like so much blood in the shower. But I waited, I'm patient, and you both came back! But I knew you would. I'm the Shadowmolder, of course. When you called me I was ready, ready to strike, ready like I've been for the past five years. And how I strung you all along! It was beautiful, you calling me to chitchat aimlessly while I was standing over the body of Once-Born Ralph! And then, giving you the idea to call-back your obscene phone caller even as I sat by Rakshasa's phone waiting to call and kill. That worked out great! And on and on. But I've got to move, my dear, the cops'll be at your door at any moment, and I need to wrap this up and be on my way...
I'll call them right now, you idiot! They'll be at the door in a second if they know you're heading over here! What the hell are you thinking!?
Oh, poor, poor Ayesha. Just like Frodo you never think things through. Like how easy it would be for someone to slip into your house from the back while the explosive melodrama plays out in front of it. And how childishly simple it would to creep up the stairs behind you while you were distracted watching the cops... and the rescue trucks.
What do you mean?
This is a cellular phone, dear girl. I'm standing right behind you.
Jesus Christ!
Hang up the phone, Ayesha.
Clickdrrrrrrrrrrr-